Michael STRAIGHTman

StraightDar 2008 In Development

2008-03-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

Now that I am a world champion and I received a little extra cash, I have started working on StraightDar 2008. I was hoping to launch it on March 1, but once again, I fed a picture of Paul Stanley in, and got a reading of "sperm burper."

The lab is unsure how this could happen, so I have taken to writing the software myself. That said, I am only fluent in English, Klingon and Cobalt, and web browsers hate Klingon. This may take a while. I am hoping to have StraightDar 2008 ready for April.

Looks at me!

2008-02-13T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm on a date with a woman! Gay guys don't do that! Sure she's got a man's hair cut and Eddie Murphy dumped her, but look at her boobies!

I'm the king of the woooorrrrlllld!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Today I feel like a little school girl. Like a thousand kitties are licking my feet!

I just got a sweet piece of ass!

2008-02-03T17:43:00.000-08:00

5:43 left in the 3rd quarter and I just touched every little girl's dream -- Tom Brady's ass. Yep. I took a roll in the ha-dy for what seemed like forever. I'll never forget this feeling.

11:40 left in the 3rd quarter

2008-02-03T17:30:00.001-08:00

Hey, I tipped a ball in the game! Have you ever seen a guy get more camera time and interviews than me and do less on the field. I didn't think so. I've got to get back to my modeling career.

I am so fucking cool

2007-12-10T05:18:00.000-08:00

One of the best things about being famous is that you have connections and while I don't have my own Fathead yet, I do have the ability to request custom Fatheads. Now, I gather there are some approvals the company has to get in order to produce them, but with the exception of the Oklahoma Fathead I requested last year, Strahan gets what Strahan wants. Now tell me, what kinda fag wants a Fathead on his wall? No fag that I have ever met! I can't wait to get my Mermania Fathead up on the wall!

See I told you Paul Stanley was straight!

2007-11-30T10:17:00.000-08:00

In this clip you will see a bare-chested, manly Paul threatening to shove a laster pointer up the ass of one of his fans. A gay guy would never do that! A gay guy would by him a glass of wine, maybe rub his back and then ask if he can shove it up his ass. See the difference? I thought you would.

Straight Talk With Strahan

2007-11-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some pretty gay ads lately, but damn, this ad is even gayer than Brady Quinn. They even drew veins on the wiener with mustard. What's Carson thinking? I can tell you the next time I go to get him in the sack and pull him to the ground and we begin to wrestle and sweat on each other, I am going to blow him a kiss and ask him if he swallowed it whole.

The after career

2007-11-20T08:57:00.001-08:00

Ladies, start your engines.

What you see before you is a picture of me, Michael STRAIGHTman rocking the runway. Is there any question that what you see is 100% man?

Lesser men would have required a heavy oil or been two afraid to wear a loin cloth. Not me. Light oil and commando. That's right, I wasn't responsible if someone got poked in the eye or received a concussion.

Real men model. Posers and haters shop at Neiman Marcus. Now excuse me while I hit the catwalk.

A Statement From Michael STRAIGHTman

2007-08-30T04:21:00.001-07:00

Larry Craig (second from left)? GAY!

That is all.

Where is Stradar?

2007-03-04T16:05:00.000-08:00

I have been receiving a lot of email lately asking when Stradar will be brought back. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be working correctly. Every time I plug in Paul Stanley of KISS, it keeps reporting that he is gayer than Charles Nelson Riley. As soon as I get this corrected, Stradar will be back.

Aske Me a Question

2007-03-02T17:01:00.000-08:00

From time to time I will open the floor up to questions from my readers. This week I have time for two questions.

Q. Now that you are single and doing your own laundry, Bounce or Snuggle?

A. Are you kidding me? No self respecting man wants that sperm burping bear near his undies. How can I put a pounding on a man knowing that Snuggle Bear is caressing my pink tingly parts? I can't.

Q. What do you do with your free time.
A. I definitely do not have anything to do with HUNKAMANIA. I do not know anyone named Dangerous Dan and I have never filled the trunk of my Escalade with singles and driven to his home...if that is what you are after. Nor do I know his whereabouts.

My First Alpaca Encounter

2007-01-30T06:50:00.000-08:00

So I have been seeing a lot of these alpaca farms popping up in the country and being the virile man that I am, I like steak. The bigger the steak the better. So I recently bought, butchered and grilled my own alpaca.

Quite honestly, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Once you get through all that fur, the meat is kind of dry and stringy. I will say I was very happy that I had some A-1 sauce in the glove compartment of my Land Cruiser (I keep it there with my Josh Grobin CD). So alpaca lovers, please tell me what I did wrong. Should I try frying it next time?

A Fraternal Order of Athletes

2007-01-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

A lot of people think that there is some sort of athlete fraternity house, a Playboy mansion filled with 1/2 naked jocks playing volleyball and frolicking in the grotto. I hate to say it, but such a place doesn't exist. But I think I may have found the next best thing.

Now that my income is half of what it used to be I have been doing a lot more card show appearances. Last week I worked the New York Area Card Show with former Giants Joe Morris, Jeff Rutledge, and Elvis Patterson and former Jets Al Toon, Richard Todd, and Dave Jennings. Let me tell you, we had a great time and the trash talking was really flying.

Afterwards we decided to play a pick up game of two hand touch to settle the score. They were pants, we were shirts. Of course the Giants prevailed and later that evening Dr. Richard Todd offered to give me a free prostate exam and prostate massage. I didn't know Richard Todd was a Dr., more importantly, I never enjoyed a medical procedure that much! I can't wait until the next card show!

No Comment

2007-01-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

At this time I have no comment on the article printed in the New York Post. At this time I intend to relax and watch my favorite movie and enjoy my emancipation.
MS

Gay Love

2007-01-09T06:10:00.000-08:00

I have a policy of not talking about my teammates and what they do in their free time, but I will never understand the relationship that Kurt and Brenda Warner have. Brenda is such a strong virile man. Kurt, well... the O-line used to say that stock boy would take too much time in the pocket because he liked the contact.

Game Update: Umenyiora Injury

2007-01-07T16:03:00.000-08:00

There's just about three minutes left in the 3rd quarter. Osi Umenyiora just broke through the Eagle's offensive line, hit Jeff Garcia and immediately fell to the ground. I can't tell from here, but I think he contracted AIDS. More to come later.

A Blast From the Past

2007-01-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Since everyone knows that straight guys don't hang around with gay guys, I invited my old friend and former ex-Giant great, Phil McConkey by to drop some serious queer science on you.

Hi everyone! Phil McConkey here. You may best remember me standing on the Giant's bench and waving a towel rooting the team on the field on to victory. That's right, waving a towel. Straight guys waive a towel. Gay guys drop their towels. As a female loving man, I can attest to the fact that Michael Strahan is 100% not homosexual. While I have not been in a locker room or hot tub with him, I would welcome the opportunity.
Cheers, Phil.

Three Straight Men

2007-01-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

Can you find three guys straighter then us? Tom Arnold? Come on, you can't see him playing hide the pickle with Doogie Hoswer, can you? I can't. And how about my friend in the jersey? Gay guys don't wear team jerseys. It's a fact. Look it up. You never see the guys from Straight Eye shopping for a cute Buffalo Saber's jersey. It just doesn't happen. Once again, Michael Straightman 1, Fudge Packing Sissy Boys, 0.

New Year, a New Feature

2007-01-03T08:57:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you all and thanks for stopping by. This year I am introducing Stradar. While we are still in the beta version, I wanted to roll this out as soon as possible. I believe that one of the most convincing ways for me to show you exactly how not gay I am is via Stradar. From time to time, I will input data on a prominent person and Stradar will plot their sexual tendencies on the graph above. Today we are viewing Stradar's report on Terrell Owens. All I had to do was type in a few attributes: likes spandex clothing, narcissistic, drama queen, well fit, well groomed and pow -- he is Jim J. Bullock's best friend! T.O. Gay, Big Baby, not gay!

Whew... I Dodged a Bullet

2006-12-29T09:09:00.000-08:00

My Dr. and Friend, Dr. Ian Smith

Thank you all for your support during this most troubling time. As many of you know, I recently sustained an injury to my foot. After hours of careful examination by my personal physician and part-time roommate, Dr. Ian Smith, it was determined that my injury will not require surgery! Dr. Ian did say that my injury will require hundreds of hours of deep tissue massage and hot tub time. BTW, Dr. Ian says surgery is for pussies. Real men gut it out with therapy and massage.

Look at All That Meat!

2006-12-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

Look for me in new Subway Restaurant ads with Jared! I tell him the great thing about Subway sandwiches is that they have more meat than burgers do. A gay guy wouldn't do that. Nope. A gay guy would be doing ads for Red Lobster and talking about how great their Shrimp Scampi and Parrot Bay Jumbo Coconut Shrimp are as well as how reasonable $14.95 is for these amazingly delectable dinners. Not Michael Straightman! I want more meat between my buns!

Welcome to My House

2006-12-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

This is my place to get the story out my way. Here you will find things that substantiate that I am very, very straight. As a matter of fact, you may want to keep your ladies away from this site. Let's just say that I encode each web page with Axe Body Spray, so I am not liable for their actions.

Thanks again for stopping by and keep coming back to see exactly how not gay I am! Like for instance the hat I am wearing... it is so not gay!

Can you imagine a gay guy wearing that hat? I can't. They would probably shop at Barney's for a winter hat and select the Barneys New York Persian Lamb Hat and pay $350.00 for it. They might even try to create their own look by accessorizing it with a Barneys New York Cashmere Scarf for $195.00. The 12 Color striped cashmere scarf is made in Scotland and oh so soft! Not me, I am wearing something Ed Skiba, our Assistant Equipment Manager gave me for free! Look, I know a guy named Ed. A gay guy would know someone named Edward. Not Michael Straightman...not gay!